ICYMI: Communicating with your partner is the only way you can make sure you’re both giving each other exactly what you want sexually. And considering talking about sex is almost as sexy as the sex itself, it's pretty fun too.
Jess O’Reilly, PhD, resident sexologist at Astroglide explains it perfectly: "Communication is not only a form of seduction, but a precursor that lays the foundation for more meaningful, fulfilling, and pleasurable sex." We love to see it.
But if you're a little intimidated by initiating the sex talk, don't worry. The best, easiest way to talk to your partner about sex is by asking them questions.
Whether you're asking about what they like or what they fantasize about, questions can really help you satisfy your partner the way they want to be satisfied—in, like, the least intimidating was as possible.
So luckily for you, we've compiled a list of 30 dirty questions to make communicating with your partner just a little bit easier. Enjoy these expert-recommended questions your next date night or pillow talk sesh.
1. How do you like touching yourself?
Who knows how to better please yourself than...yourself? So getting to know how your partner practices solo sex is a great way to learn what they like. Plus, you can then use those techniques on them later.
2. What's a fantasy that you’ve always been curious about?
Let's be clear: Just because someone has a certain fantasy does not mean they want to go there in real life, says Angie Rowntree, founder of Sssh.com. "However, by framing the question in this way, you allow your partner to be vulnerable and see where they genuinely want to explore," she says.
"If you both feel safe talking about things you want to explore, you can avoid getting 'stuck in a rut' and keep things fun and fresh. Vulnerability and honest communication allow you to bond on a deeper level, no matter what you end up doing or not doing."
3. Thoughts on butt stuff?
Aside from establishing consent, asking this question can potentially take your and your partner’s sex life to a whole new level. (Like, hello, butt plugs.)
4. Who's your dream celebrity fuck?
Talking about an unattainable fuck is a fun way to turn your partner on without all the dramatics of jealousy getting involved. If talking about Idris Elba turns them on (hi, it’s me), why not use it to your advantage?
5. What's your ideal role play scenario?
Asking your partner about roleplaying could open up a whole new world of hot sex ideas for you two. Are they a professor-student type of person? A strangers-meet-at-the-bar type of person? Either way, discussing your role play fantasies can lead to legit fantasies coming true.
6. Where's the wildest place you’ve had sex?
Is it somewhere a little more low-stakes like a car? Or somewhere super risky like a movie theatre?
7. Do you like the way you taste?
I mean, personally, one of my favorite moves is when a guy puts a finger in me and makes me taste it afterward. Definitely getting turned on just thinking about it.
8. What type of porn do you like to watch?
"This will often give you insight into their fantasy themes and turnons without requiring them to create it for themselves," says Stefani Goerlich, LMSW.
9. When do you feel your sexiest?
Whether it's a wax and spa day or maybe when they're showering, talking about their sexiest moments can put them in that moment. Plus, asking this can help you determine what times are best to initiate sex that'll guarantee you’re both ready to go.
10. Thoughts on dirty talk?
Before you jump right into calling someone or yourself "daddy," it could be helpful to gauge how your partner feels about dirty talk. If they’re for it, this question could lead to some pretty hot repertoire.
11. What do you think of when you masturbate?
"Asking this question gives you insight into what they focus on during partner sex too. Are they imagining a specific scenario? Are they concentrating on the physical sensations they're experiencing? Are they thinking about you? Knowing where their brain goes when they're having solo sex can be a great bit of insight for you to have when you’re having sex together too," says Goerlich.
12. Do you like what you see?
This is a solid question to ask because, hopefully, the answer is a given. "It prompts a response that is easy to repeat and doesn't take a whole lot to think about," says Marla Renee Stewart, a sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand. "You don't want to be thinking too much because you want to be present and, most importantly, thinking about the pleasure that your body is going to receive."
13. What's a kink you’ve always wanted to try, but were too afraid to?
"The more forbidden something is, the more likely we are to be turned on by it," Goerlich says. "Often, people are ashamed of their fantasies, because our fantasies are rarely PC. Asking the question this way gives you insight into their potentially 'naughty' desires while offering them the safety of keeping it firmly in the realm of fantasy."
Oh, and for the record, nothing is "taboo" or off limits if it gives you pleasure and is done consensually.
14. Would you consider yourself more dominant or submissive?
Even if you haven't gone down the BDSM road, you can still talk about playing roles while in bed. If your partner tells you they're more dominant or submissive, you can start incorporating that into sex. Or even the opposite: switch things up to keep things exciting.
15. What type of erotica do you like to read?
Books will tell you literally everything you need to know about someone.
16. What makes you feel good?
"Asking about what evokes a specific physical response in them, instead of about what kind of specific action they enjoy, opens up lots of doors to explore new ways to elicit that same reaction in the future," Goerlich says.
17. What's your favorite sex memory of us?
If you've had sex with this person already, reliving some of your best sex moments can put both you and your partner into a sexy mood. Was it the time you snuck away from a family event for a quick tryst? Or was it the time you both woke up ready for some morning sex? Either way, even just talking about it can get you two hot.
18. Do you want to try a new position?
There's nothing like trying something new to add a layer of sexiness to your next romp. If you've exhausted doggy style, you can always try something totally different.
19. What songs are on your sex playlist?
This question will give an idea of what type of music your partner likes to get it on to. You can also steal these answers for the next sex playlist you make for the both of you.
20. Do you like when I take you in deep or when you take me in deep?
"For anyone that likes penetration, this is a great way to step into your pleasure," Stewart says. "Not only does this question give you and your lover a visual, but it helps foster daydreams that get your imagination flowing about what you can do when your (or your lover's) legs or ass are spread open."
21. What's your favorite place to be kissed?
Talking about sexual preferences can be a great way to figure out instructions for yourself in bed. Like, if they say they like to be kissed on their neck, kiss them on the neck...
22. What's your favorite sex toy?
Whether it's a solo toy or something to use together, learning about what sex toys your partner likes can help you two figure out ways to incorporate them into sex together.
23. How does this feel? Is this okay?
"It's important to not only establish consent but also to check in with your partner for feedback," says Rowntree. "You definitely want to encourage [them] to share with you the things [they] enjoy and frame it in a positive light with the potential for reciprocity. This way you can go beyond mere consent and open yourselves up to greater transparency and trust as you learn what your partner enjoys."
24. Would you ever make a sex tape?
FWIW, this doesn't mean you have to make one. But the idea of being filmed (for only your eyes, of course) can be a real turn on for some people. Talking about what you’d include in your sex tape might even put you two in the mood to make one. (BTW, if this is your thing, perhaps you should look into voyeurism or exhibitionism?)
25. What's your favorite place to have sex?
Maybe it's the shower, the couch, or on the beach. Either way, talking about your favorite sex spots can show you where your partner feels most comfortable getting it on.
26. Do you like being spanked?
Some people like it rough and some people don't, but you won't know your partner's preferences until you ask. Even if you think it is something they’re into, you should always check with them before.
27. Do you prefer giving head or getting head?
Some people are natural givers and some people are natural receivers. Both are okay. But talking about which your partner prefers can help you learn where they stand on the topic of oral sex in general.
28. Do you like it when I touch you there?
"Provided that you already have established [consent], saying this sentence in a low, soft, deep tone, while you gracefully trace their genitals, is a great question to ask," Stewart advises. "It's seductive and it implies that you want to move forward to something that involves the body part that you are referring to."
29. What's been your hottest sex dream?
When you talk about sex dreams, you can A) learn about your partner's subconscious sex fantasies and B) make their dreams a reality. Just don't get jealous if the dream is about someone else.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.
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